Is your relationship making you sick? How to be ‘need-less’ and avoid a truly unhealthy relationship.
If you’re not in a great relationship, your partner is probably making you sick. That’s the astonishing conclusion of a recent study by the University of Buffalo in the USA 1. According to the study, released this year, individuals stuck in an unhappy partnership are damaging their health so severely, they would actually be better off, single.
This comes as no surprise to Dr Dain Heer, relationship expert, best-selling author and global speaker.
Dr Heer is visiting Australia this November to host a series of workshops, and has observed “too many people stay in miserable relationships for the fear of being alone”. His observation is backed by additional research, which suggests a very real correlation between the fear of being single and the act of settling for less in relationships 2.
The key to a successful relationship according to Heer, boils down to one thing; being need-less. “If a partnership exists purely out of the fear of being alone, you end up with a co-dependent relationship that is based on the ‘need’ to be together. It’s a relationship based on the fear of losing your partner and the idea that you can’t be complete without somebody else”, he remarks.
In contrast, Heer advises that the happiest – and healthiest – relationships are built when both parties are in the relationship out of choice; when they have no fear of being on their own and are together because they want to be.
“Even though it’s contrary to popular belief, the people that create the most success in their relationships have no need of their partner. When you have no need of your partner, you can have gratitude. When you have need of your partner, gratitude goes away. So, being needless in your relationship is actually a key to creating a great relationship.”
Heer offers the following essential tips to help you regain your romantic edge and create a relationship that truly works for you:
1. Define What’s True for You
Our relationships are often based on the points of view of others. If you want to be needless in your relationship you have to find out what’s true for you. Heer advises writing down the points of view about relationships that you have absorbed from your mother, father, girlfriends and boyfriends by the time you were twenty. Then write down the points of view you picked up from stories, romance novels and fairy tales.
Look at your list and ask, “How many of these points of view have I tried to create in my relationships?”, and “If I had no past and had bought none of these points of view, what would I like in my relationship right now?” Write down a list of everything you’d like your partner to have and everything you’d like them not to have. This process will help you clarify what is true for you.
2. Stop Divorcing Yourself
Divorcing yourself is when you give up parts of yourself, to be in the relationship. When you divorce yourself to make the relationship work, you eventually create an enormous burden on your partner to be everything for you – something they cannot be nor provide.
Don’t expect your partner to be everything. Have outside sources that contribute to you such as friends you share different interests with, and things that you like to do. These are sources of energy for you. They will allow you to bring energy back into the relationship which, in turn, allows the relationship to be greater for you and for your partner.
3. Start Each Day Anew
Destroy and un-create your relationship, every single day. Destroy and release all of the judgements, expectations, projections, separations, and everything preventing you to recognise that it is your choice to be there, with this person. When you make a daily choice to be in the relationship, you are no longer functioning from need but rather from the choice of desire.
“If we could get over the fear of being alone, if we could let go of the romantic ideal of needing to find someone to complete us, if we were truly needless in relationship, that is when we can create phenomenal relationships that add to the quality of our life” Heer advises.
Dr Dain Heer is an internationally renowned author, speaker, and facilitator of consciousness and change. Co-creator of Access Consciousness.
1. Romantic Relationship Transitions and Changes in Health Among Rural, White Young Adults. Barr AB; Sutton TE, et al (2016)
2. Settling for less out of fear of being single. Spielmann, Stephanie S.; MacDonald, Geoff; Maxwell, et al. (2013)