3 Reasons Love May be Eluding You. Everybody deserves to be loved and cherished. And with over seven billion humans on the planet, the chances are pretty high that there is at least one person out there who will understand your idiosyncrasies, embrace your virtues and withstand your shadow side.
Well, firstly, it means you are not alone. According to a 2014 Gallup survey, more people are staying single (as in, not married and not living with someone) and they are staying single for longer. The Gallup report reveals “This rise of singledom is particularly evident with 18- to 29-year-olds, increasing by roughly a quarter since 2004, from 52% to 64%. But it is also evident among adults aged 30 to 39, creeping up from 15% to 19% over the same period.”
These figures hint at one very valid reason you may not have committed to a serious relationship – because you don’t want one; because you have found other ways to feel supported, inspired, adored, comforted and nurtured. And, if so, good on you!
However, if your ongoing single status is not something you find particularly celebratory then it may be time for a bit of reflection. Here are three confronting-yet-truthful reasons why, on this planet teeming with people, you may be unable to find that special somebody to love.
Are you ready?
Most people are completely unaware of the constant chatter of their own minds; the incessant judgements and demands of our unconscious mental patterns. But they are real, and they can be causing you to miss opportunities, make decisions and limit your ability to love without you even realising it! If your brain has concocted a list of expectations or conditions about what love is, or how it arrives, or what your long-term partner will look like, say, do, find pleasing, find displeasing, earn, own (etc, etc) then you are either consciously or unconsciously setting yourself up for relationship failure.
Tip: You are a natural being and, as such, you have an innate ability to seek out environments that are healthy for you and conducive to your wellbeing. The key to this natural happiness-compass lies in your feelings, not your thoughts. Make a list of anything you think love (or your lover) should be, and then Let. It. Go. Become more aware of how you feel in certain places and around certain people. Follow what feels good. This will ultimately draw you toward people who will nurture you, support you and allow you to thrive.
It can be common for the terminally-single to overlook some prospective partners, simply because they are too nice. Pay close attention to the people you find most alluring, and those you find unappealing or intimidating. If you find nice people “boring” or keep rejecting those who are open in their affection toward you, it may be a good time to spend some time reflecting on what treatment you believe you deserve. Turning away kindness or tenderness (often in favour of people who are dangerous, rebellious or edgy) is common in those who, deep down, don’t believe they deserve kindness and love.
Tip: Imagine there is a young child in you. When people interact with you, ask yourself, is this the way my inner child deserves to be treated? It may feel uncomfortable at first, (many of us carry unconscious feelings of self-doubt, shame and unworthiness) and you may be tempted to shrug off or ignore those who treat you with respect and kindness. However, the more you choose to be with those who treat you as you deserve to be treated, the more you will begin to recognise the value and beauty within yourself. And the more you recognise that beauty, the more you open yourself to lasting, respectful and healthy love relationships.
Ok, this can be incredibly confronting. But if you really want to end your life as a singleton and find a loving relationship, it may be vital for you to take a good, hard look at who you are and how you are choosing to live your life. Humans are social creatures, but we are social creatures with an inbuilt confirmation bias and a need to feel validated and understood. Because of this, we tend to gravitate towards groups and individuals that share our values, our perspectives, our biases and our behaviours. If you want to find a life-partner that will treat you with respect, kindness, understanding and loyalty, then you need to ensure that those are the types of people you are inviting into your life.
Tip: If you find yourself meeting (and dating) selfish people, you need to ask yourself “why am I meeting selfish people?” If you find many prospective partners to be shallow, emotionally unavailable, dreamy, self-destructive or unkind, it’s time to ask yourself why your social tendencies draw you to people with those qualities. Birds of a feather, flock together.
It’s never too late to become a better version of yourself and start truly valuing and personifying the qualities you most desire in a partner. If you want a kind partner, become kinder. If you want respect or sincerity in your relationship, practice respect and sincerity. Most importantly, allow your social circles to change as your values, perspectives and behaviours move you closer to the love you desire.